Good news and bad news

Well, I just went to David's IEP (Independant Education Plan) meeting and he has officially been put on an IEP due to his emotional issues (depression, adhd) as well as his academic ones. I know that that is a good thing because now he will get the help from the school district that he needs both emotionally (counseling) and academically (smaller classes with extra help). My brain knows that and is dealing with it pretty well but my heart is not dealing with it as well as my brain. Now that both of my kids are on IEPs and in special classes, I REALLY feel like a failure as a parent both in nature as well as nurture (more nature though). WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY GENES!?!?! Both my kids have different fathers, I had completely opposite pregnancies, labor and deliveries with them. They are even different sexes. The only common factor in them is ME!!!
I realize that alcohol is a really bad way for me to cope with stress but it is one of the quickest and I am really trying not to use that particular crutch. Sooooo, here I am pouring out my heart via words and hoping that that with do for the time being. I am soooo not one to cry at the drop of a hat but I am having a hard time keeping the tears in. One of the problems is that I am feeling particularly selfish right now and that is making me feel guilty. This is really not about me but about my kids but . . . . .
I really miss my Mom.
I also realized at the IEP that since David was able to get into the IEP program with the issues that he has and since I had the EXACT SAME ISSUES THROUGHOUT SCHOOL, I could have also been helped but, unfortunately, I slipped through the cracks just like my brother and I have had to deal with that alone without any help for over 30 years.
I yelled at John today because the phone was cut off because we forgot to pay the bill and I finally paid with MY money and then when he called me, he told me that HE also paid it so now we are paid up on the phone bill but are almost $300 poorer and this is not a good time for that because John is struggling to get work. It wasn't his fault that we both did the same thing at the same time but he was the most convenient vent for me and that was wrong on my part.
I just wish sometimes that life wasn't ALWAYS SOOOOOO HARD. I could use a little bit of easy in my life but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I know other people have some easy in thier lives and it makes me really frustrated and jealous. Especially when I see people who have 5 kids all doing well in school, living in a nice house with nice cars and nice jobs after having nice normal childhoods and I wonder why they are so lucky. What did they do right that I have so obviously done so wrong?
I am trying to get this all out of my system now so that I can put on a HAPPY FACE when David comes home so that looks at this IEP as a positive thing and not a negative thing. Well I am going to sign off, make something to eat curl up in my Snuggie and watch the news.

See ya
Teresa